Thursday, September 24, 2009

Earth Beta and Oglaf Reviews

First and foremost I must apologize for the review posted three weeks ago. I was unaware of the content and the fact that the so called "blogger" carnivorouscritic did not actually hold a blog or exist. I figured somebody would have taken the name. It works well. I shall not be removing it though as a testament to my own flaws i.e. the fact that I did not look up his history. Or blog. Or if they were a he or a she. Hubris has beaten me down harshly.

I must apologize that this is two weeks late. I actually had this done in time but the content was such that I needed to reflect on if I would want to actually post it. Also I had finals so, yeah.

Now, after the last negative review, I made a vow to hold off on the bad webcomic reviews. While they brought popularity to lots of other reviewers, I want you the reader to find webcomics that you might enjoy. When a comic calls itself "The Most Underappreciated Webcomic" though, a problem becomes apparent. When this comic is not Bear & Kitten, Nineteenth Century Industrialist, Amazingly Average or one of the other several webcomics with low readership I subscribe to, there is something wrong.

Earth Beta by Bryan

Remember Penny Arcade? The comic that is often (incorrectly) credited with creating the video game webcomic genre? The comic that has millions of readers and is able to support its creators making tons of money? Remember how originally when it started, its humor was really bad by our modern standards but it was revolutionary at its time? Remember how the humor has changed with the times and the art has developed as well? Remember how they originally used to include Jesus for no reason? Only one of those things you should remember should applies to Earth Beta. (Its the Jesus one).

Beating old ideas into the ground is the encyclopedic entry for Earth Beta. From the two roommates, to Jesus, to creepy random creature, to ....okay. I am stopping here. I want to just get the point across that this webcomic is shitty. I mean, I used to draw a horrible webcomic in high school. I recognized it as such. I eventually stopped drawing it. I never posted it on the Internet. The author needs to hold up to his plan of stopping after six months.

The roommates are interchangeable talking heads making sound but barely communicating anything. Here inlies the problem. They are failing at making a point anywhere in the story. They are failing at making memorable characters. They are failing at making an interesting and well made story. The comic calls itself a "Storyline Comic." It is only in that the events are stories in the same way that eating only marshmallows is a balanced and healthy diet. Which it is not. Combining loose storyline with the fact that they force every possible storyline stereotype down the readers throats makes it worse. I could rant on and on but I only read the first 100 or so comics before I felt a sharp stabbing pain I could no longer ignore.

Character design and art is taken almost directly from the Tim Buckley Copy-Pasta College of Comic Design. Originally the characters are all horribly jumbled polygons. Looking at the current art, they are now partially anime inspired polygons. With poorly drawn figures. And no necks. And oven mitts for hands. In the FAQ, he responds that he came up with the idea of not using necks because he wanted to be able to switch his characters heads for humorous purposes. This works mostly because his characters are mainly guys, a girl and an annoying flying thing. They can switch the personalities and nobody will notice. Seriously. Also using images from google for background is a lazy technique. Then again, in a comic as poorly made as this, it is merely a ripple in the pond. When the pond is under a torrent of rain.

My roommates have gotten used to my crying when I find a horrible webcomic. Or when I declare I lost faith in humanity. They flock over and see what new horror I found to stare at it like a carnival freakshow. They shared my cries of anguish looking at this comic. Four art students declared it was ugly unfunny comic. This means it most likely is. It means your audience has no taste to tell you to improve. That is what I am here for. To rip you up and give you the tape to repair yourself.

Now, you declared in your artist page you will quit the comic if it does not pick up in six months. Do it now. If you wish to improve though, start a new comic. Make better character models, use necks for Christs' sake. Plan out a storyline, write scripts out and send them to somebody who hates you to review them. Or at least somebody with a good sense of humor. If nothing else, they can at least make your writing better.

I've had enough of dealing with this though and it has literally left a bad taste in my mouth. Bad art, unfunny humor and the giant balls to refer to itself as "The Most Underappreciated Webcomic". It is true, but only because he misspelled under-appreciated. D


They are adult comics that are well drawn, funny and mature-sort of. Enjoy them anywhere but at work and only if of age.

No need to rant, no need to say more. I am all reviewed out for now. A+

Next week I hope to have finished my retrospective on the recently finished Scary-Go-Round.

Also in my personal comic news, SFCRTSN restarted here because it is important to recognize your mistakes (even after you sink in $200.)

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Guest Review - carnivorouscritic

This week, for whatever reason, I have been given a report to post from an apparently famous blogger who decided to grace me with his... majesty. So, enjoy this weeks criticism by the so called "carnivorouscritic." Next week I should hopefully return to my common format.

As I opened my eyes on this day a rumbling in my stomach struck me with a mighty force. I dare not say from whence it came for the terror it evoked caused me to tremble visibly. I departed my slight abode taking to the pedestrian walkways of the vagabonds in the mighty city to search for an epicurean delight to fit my meager funds. The answer was one that I had forgotten ages ago. The Sbarro.

Normally a chain of this level is located, nay, bound inside the shopping complexes. The reasons are unknown though my intellect tells me that it may be because of some Faustian bargain struck between the dreadfully Quixotic Sbarro family where if they are to expand beyond the domains of the shopping complexes, they lose their allure and majesty becoming hollowed out shells shlepping their wares, tainted by the light and purity that powers us through the day. I digress even though my theory soon rang true.

Entering the store I discovered the shopkeeper, some beast struck between the evolutionary phases of man and ape. His grunting indicated his desire for me to order. I ordered the special which he seemed to not hear as he deposited two slabs of pizza into the oven. He then directed me down the service line where I met an elderly lady who seemed to be held captive by the dangerous beast of a man. I attempted to explain that my order had been poorly taken and was in all manners, incorrect. She held her finger to her mouth though, warning me to keep my voice down.

"Don't complain unless you want to risk your life." She then nodded towards a jackhammer in the corner covered in a crimson liquid that was too clean to be the tomato sauce. I realized the horror then noticing the white bleached skulls lining the store. The dismembered limbs on the warming trays. The dead goat hanging from the ceiling. The empty tip jar. The horrors jumped towards me. I caught myself as I began to faint. I then exhumed my wallet from my coat pocket and left my pecuniary offering. The man beast removed the pizza from the scalding ovens, the steam and pressure causing sweat to form on my brow. I accepted my order and took my seat.

The other denizens of the Sbarro looked at me. Their eyes hung heavy with broken dreams and fears. The carbs that they had been ingesting were haunting me. They seemed to shackle them down, leaving them stuck forever. I was free for now though. I had not tied my own noose. I headed towards the garbage receptacle, slinking over to dispose of the waiting doom. With a grunt though, the horrible man beast began lumbering towards me, his eyes in a deadly frenzy.

The girl at the counter yelled at me "Run while you can, he cannot survive in the sunlight." I shook my head though, my chivalrous upbringing binding me to saving this young woman. I vaulted over the desk, wrapping my arms around her. As we neared the door the man beast began tossing the faux wood furniture at me, missing. He erupted in a guttural roar scaring the souls of all nearby. I laughed though, his attempts at summoning fear in my heart, failing. While my exuberance showed though, I was struck for the girl had betrayed me, bringing a blunt strike against my head. As my vision faded I saw her remove me from the store crying, "I have been here too long. I can't be saved."

I awoke later to find the medical vehicles appearing around me. The worries on my condition were assuaged as I arose. The Sbarro had been destroyed. The windows were smashed allowing nature to enter them. Those who had been trapped were gone, their imprints on the world were the only proof that they had once existed.

Overall, the service was horrible, the prices were through the roof and I never got to try the food. I doubt I will ever return again.

Or that I shall ever see her face again.