Thursday, September 3, 2009

Guest Review - carnivorouscritic

This week, for whatever reason, I have been given a report to post from an apparently famous blogger who decided to grace me with his... majesty. So, enjoy this weeks criticism by the so called "carnivorouscritic." Next week I should hopefully return to my common format.

As I opened my eyes on this day a rumbling in my stomach struck me with a mighty force. I dare not say from whence it came for the terror it evoked caused me to tremble visibly. I departed my slight abode taking to the pedestrian walkways of the vagabonds in the mighty city to search for an epicurean delight to fit my meager funds. The answer was one that I had forgotten ages ago. The Sbarro.

Normally a chain of this level is located, nay, bound inside the shopping complexes. The reasons are unknown though my intellect tells me that it may be because of some Faustian bargain struck between the dreadfully Quixotic Sbarro family where if they are to expand beyond the domains of the shopping complexes, they lose their allure and majesty becoming hollowed out shells shlepping their wares, tainted by the light and purity that powers us through the day. I digress even though my theory soon rang true.

Entering the store I discovered the shopkeeper, some beast struck between the evolutionary phases of man and ape. His grunting indicated his desire for me to order. I ordered the special which he seemed to not hear as he deposited two slabs of pizza into the oven. He then directed me down the service line where I met an elderly lady who seemed to be held captive by the dangerous beast of a man. I attempted to explain that my order had been poorly taken and was in all manners, incorrect. She held her finger to her mouth though, warning me to keep my voice down.

"Don't complain unless you want to risk your life." She then nodded towards a jackhammer in the corner covered in a crimson liquid that was too clean to be the tomato sauce. I realized the horror then noticing the white bleached skulls lining the store. The dismembered limbs on the warming trays. The dead goat hanging from the ceiling. The empty tip jar. The horrors jumped towards me. I caught myself as I began to faint. I then exhumed my wallet from my coat pocket and left my pecuniary offering. The man beast removed the pizza from the scalding ovens, the steam and pressure causing sweat to form on my brow. I accepted my order and took my seat.

The other denizens of the Sbarro looked at me. Their eyes hung heavy with broken dreams and fears. The carbs that they had been ingesting were haunting me. They seemed to shackle them down, leaving them stuck forever. I was free for now though. I had not tied my own noose. I headed towards the garbage receptacle, slinking over to dispose of the waiting doom. With a grunt though, the horrible man beast began lumbering towards me, his eyes in a deadly frenzy.

The girl at the counter yelled at me "Run while you can, he cannot survive in the sunlight." I shook my head though, my chivalrous upbringing binding me to saving this young woman. I vaulted over the desk, wrapping my arms around her. As we neared the door the man beast began tossing the faux wood furniture at me, missing. He erupted in a guttural roar scaring the souls of all nearby. I laughed though, his attempts at summoning fear in my heart, failing. While my exuberance showed though, I was struck for the girl had betrayed me, bringing a blunt strike against my head. As my vision faded I saw her remove me from the store crying, "I have been here too long. I can't be saved."

I awoke later to find the medical vehicles appearing around me. The worries on my condition were assuaged as I arose. The Sbarro had been destroyed. The windows were smashed allowing nature to enter them. Those who had been trapped were gone, their imprints on the world were the only proof that they had once existed.

Overall, the service was horrible, the prices were through the roof and I never got to try the food. I doubt I will ever return again.

Or that I shall ever see her face again.

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